


You Are the Weakest Link...Goodbye!

by Sitcom_Fan



Series: Derry Girls On Game Shows [2]
Category: Derry Girls (TV), The Weakest Link (UK TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, mentions Erin's Diary, probably the worst fic idea ever but hey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:47:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29045592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sitcom_Fan/pseuds/Sitcom_Fan
Summary: Orla decides to enter the family in a special edition of the hit BBC show, The Weakest Link. How will they fare against the terrifying host, Anne Robinson?
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: Derry Girls On Game Shows [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2131080
Comments: 10
Kudos: 6





	You Are the Weakest Link...Goodbye!

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so another silly fic idea I had!
> 
> The Weakest Link was a BBC game show - there are clips on Youtube if you've never heard of it.
> 
> This fic is based on an episode of the sitcom My Family, which features the characters appearing on the show.#
> 
> Enjoy!

The Weakest Link

INTRODUCTION

The opening credits roll and then give way to the Weakest Link studio. The host, Anne Robinson, is standing on her podium in the centre of the studio, wearing her trademark black outfit and glasses. The ten contestants are standing on their podiums in a semicircular formation, all looking towards Anne.

“Welcome to a family special of the Weakest Link,” Anne says, addressing the viewers. “Today we are joined by the Quinn-McCool family and a few of their friends from Londonderry, also known as Derry. I can’t remember what the producers have told me to call and frankly, I don’t really care. We decided to increase the number of players from the usual nine to ten, which apparently would make for better….what’s the word...craic? Whatever, they’ll have to work as a team to win up to ten thousand pounds but nine will leave with nothing. Let’s meet the players.”

The camera pans to the first of the contestants on the left-hand side of the studio. “Hello, I’m Mary, I’m a customer assistant and I live in Derry.”

The camera then moves to the other contestants who introduce themselves in turn.

“Hello, I’m Gerry, I drive for a living and I’m married to Mary.”

“I’m Joe. I’m retired now and I live with my daughter Mary and the Free State prick she calls a husband!”

“I’m Sarah and I’m a beautician. I live next door to Mary but she does all my washing because some wee fella called Antony Scanlon installed my washing machine incorrectly and caused the whole street to flood. Aye, nightmare so it was.”

“I’m Erin. I’m Mary and Gerry’s daughter and I aspire to be the best author to come from my wee county of Derry since Seamus Heaney.”

“I’m Orla. Sarah’s my mammy and Joe’s my granda. I really enjoy chips and step aerobics and my favourite book to read is Erin’s diary. If you want a sweet, Anne, you only have to say.”

“I’m Clare and I’m friends with Erin and Orla as well as Michelle and James. I hope to bring abortion rights and gay rights to Northern Ireland one day.”

“I’m Michelle. I’m friends with Erin, Orla and Clare and also have to live with my English prick of a cousin. Back home, I’m known for having the best baps in Derry and I invite all the fellas watching at home to take a closer look.”

“I’m James, and I feel I don’t need to introduce myself because Michelle has already done so.”

“I’m Sister Michael and I have the misfortune to be the headmistress to the five wee eejits. I only agreed to be on this show if I could meet the cast of Casualty afterwards.”

The camera pans back to Anne, who explains the rules. “The aim of the game is to answer enough questions correctly to bank one thousand pounds. The fastest way to do this is to answer nine questions correctly in a chain. If you answer a question incorrectly, you break the chain and the money is lost. However, if you say bank before the question is asked the money is safe, but you will start a new chain. You have three minutes on the clock. Let’s play The Weakest Link!”

ROUND ONE

The first round begins and, as explained prior to the start of the round, the contestants answer multiple questions in succession until the time runs out and Anne addresses the contestants. “In that round, you banked six hundred pounds. But who is one tunnocks tea cake short of a Christmas cake? Whose walls are about to come crumbling down? And who will be burning their socks in frustration? It’s time to vote off the weakest link.”

The voiceover, audible only to the viewers, reveals that statistically, James is the strongest link while Michelle is the weakest link. But the question is: will the players take that into consideration?

“Voting over, it’s time to reveal who you think is the weakest link,” Anne says.

“Sarah,” Mary says.

“Joe,” Gerry states.

“The Free State prick!” Joe barks.

“The wee gay fella,” Sarah mumbles.

“Not gay!” James shouts.

“Orla!” Erin announces.

“Michelle,” Orla says.

“Erin!” Clare shouts.

“Dicko!” Michelle snaps.

“Michelle,” James says.

“Mr Quinn,” Sister Michael grumbles.

“We have a three way tie,” Anne says, “Gerry, Michelle and James, whom I assume is who Sarah and Michelle mean by ‘the wee gay fella’ and ‘Dicko’ respectively all have three votes each. Michelle, why James?”

“He’s such a dick, Anne!” Michelle answers. “It’s hard to describe him any other way!”

“Ok. James, why Michelle?” Anne asks.

“Well, she got several questions wrong, Anne. Robbie Williams is from Stoke-on-Trent, not Stockholm!” James answers.

“As we have a tie, the casting vote lies with the strongest link which is James. James, are you going to stick with your vote?” Anne asks.

“Yes, Anne,” James replies.

“Michelle, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!” Anne informs Michelle with derision.

“Fuck you, James!” Michelle snaps, before descending from her podium and flouncing away humiliated.

“I can’t believe my own cousin would humiliate me like that on national television! What have I done to deserve that? He’s gonna regret this!” Michelle says bitterly to the camera after her ignominious defeat.

ROUND TWO

The next round commences with the time reduced by ten seconds. Erin is the weakest link with no correct answers and Clare is the strongest link, which no one notices. Gerry receives three votes, Erin two, Mary one, Joe two, and Clare one.

“Joe, why Gerry?” Anne asks.

“He’s from the free state, Anne!” Joe yells. “I tried to warn my Mary about marrying him but she wouldn’t listen!”

“Cut that out, Da!” Mary snaps.

“Please don’t, it makes excellent television,” Anne says drily. “Joe, what do you have against people from the Republic of Ireland?”

“You can’t trust them, Anne!” Joe sneers.

“In all fairness, Joe, I have been stitched up by Terry Wogan on a few occasions,” Anne says, “Gerry, with the most votes you are the weakest link. Goodbye!”

Gerry performs the “walk of shame” and then addresses the viewers, “For feck’s sake! I did much better than Joe who couldn’t even remember what province Galway is in! It’s Connacht! Connacht!” 

ROUND THREE

In the third round, Sarah is the strongest link and Mary the weakest link. The voting reveals two votes each for James, Erin and Mary, one for Orla and one for Sarah. 

“Well, we have a four-way tie,” Anne says. “Mary, why did you vote for Sarah?”

“She got Michelle Collins and Michael Collins mixed up, Anne! No self-respecting Irish person can confuse an Irish historical figure with an EastEnders actress!” Mary responds indignantly. “And she left her red tank top in the laundry and ruined my whites!”

“Maybe so, Mary, but statistically you were the worst player,” Anne says. “And with yet another three way tie the final decision goes to Sarah who was the strongest link in the last round. Sarah, why did you vote for Mary?”

“Well, Anne, everyone knows that it’s hydrogen peroxide and not carbon monoxide that’s used to bleach hair. Clodagh O’Reilly from Pump Street uses it and she looks like Gwen Stefani so she does,” Sarah says.

“Interesting. Sarah, are you going to change your vote?” Anne asks.

“No, Anne,” Sarah responds.

“Mary, you are the weakest link, goodbye!” Anne says bluntly.

Mary duly steps down from her podium and walks away to give her take on her elimination. “Now, we Derry women are tough but what I cannot accept is my ditzy younger sister outperforming me in a televised game! Let’s just say she’ll have to find someone else to do her laundry!”

ROUND FOUR

At the end of the fourth round, Sister Michael emerges as the strongest link and Erin as the weakest link. However, Joe receives three votes, Erin two and Orla two.

“Sister Michael, why did you vote off Erin?” Anne asks.

“Miss Quinn should have known the answer to the question on the partition of Ireland given that it is on the local history syllabus and I find it strange that she should forget something so important to her home city. I can only assume that she has been spending more time watching Home and Away than studying,” Sister Michael replies drily.

“You’re not that fond of young people are you, Sister Michael?” Anne asks.

“Not really, Anne,” Sister Michael replies.

“Me neither. I feel we would get on quite well. Would you like to join me for a coffee after the show?” Anne asks.

“It would be my pleasure, Anne. I feel we share the same cynical outlook on life,” Sister Michael says.

“Quite. Erin, what do you say to that?” Anne asks.

“Well, I’m just more creative, Anne, and facts aren’t really my strong point,” Erin says defiantly. 

“You’re creative?” Anne asks. 

“Yes, I hope to be a famous poet like Heaney or failing that, a TV writer. Aunt Sarah predicted that I will be a TV writer one day,” Erin replies.

“Is this true, Sarah?” Anne asks.

“Aye, my tarot cards never lie, Anne. I can do a reading later if you want,” Sarah answers.

“Orla, why did you vote off your own grandfather? That’s not very respectful, is it?” Anne asks.

“He thought coco pops were made by Nestle when everyone knows they’re made by Kellogs! Coco pops are so cracker!” Orla replies.

“Well, Joe, you weren’t the weakest link in that round - in fact, that was Erin-” Anne begins.

“What?” Erin snaps.

Anne continues, not letting Erin’s interruption blow her off course: “But unfortunately, it seems like the younger generations regard you as a liability in this game. Joe, you are the weakest link: goodbye!”

In what has become a routine process, Joe indignantly walks off the stage. “I knew it! My southern shite of a son-in-law has been colluding with the wee uns against me! By Christ he doesn’t know what’s gonna hit him!”

ROUND FIVE

In the fifth round, Sarah is voted off by every remaining contestant except Sister Michael. “Interesting development here. Anyone would think that the younger generation are conspiring against you, Sarah,” Anne comments.

“Aye, I don’t understand that carry on, Anne. Maybe they’re jealous that I’ve upstaged them by looking too radiant,” Sarah mumbles whimsically.

“Anne, I’d suggest that Miss Quinn and Miss McCool do not wish to see a member of their own family prosper,” Sister Michael says coldly.

“Well that would explain Erin and Orla’s votes but let’s ask the others. Clare, why did you vote off Sarah?” Anne asks.

“Because Gary Barlow is the lead singer of Take That! Not This and That! We’ve explained it to her countless times!” Clare responds with exasperation.

“I see James, Erin and Orla are nodding,” Anne says, “Interestingly, Sarah outperformed you all except Sister Michael. The weakest link was actually Clare.”

“What?” Clare gasps incredulously. “But I’m the brightest!”

“In the classroom maybe, but your failure to bank at the right moments has cost you dearly. Luckily for you, that doesn’t matter. Only the votes count,” Anne tells Clare before turning to Sarah. “Sarah, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!”

After her ignominious exit, Sarah addresses the camera: “Now it’s a bit of a wee shame about getting voted off but now I’m going to search the BBC Studios for a makeup artist. I mean, sure, it would be a shame if I didn’t make the most of this wee adventure.”

ROUND SIX

In the sixth round, James emerges as the strongest link and Clare the weakest link yet again, yet Sister Michael, Clare and Orla receive three, one and one votes respectively.

“Erin, why have you voted off Sister Michael? Do you have an axe to grind against your school headmistress?” Anne inquires.

“No, but I was so indignant about her calling Fox Mulder ‘Mudler’ that it kind of clouded my judgement. I should really have voted off Clare for getting the capital of Ethiopia wrong when she’s always going on about this wee fella called Kamal!” Erin responds.

“How many times, Erin? Kamal doesn’t have it easy!” Clare shrieks.

“Sister Michael, how do you feel about receiving the most votes?” Anne asks.

“I don’t really care, Anne, because I’m getting bored now,” Sister Michael replies.

“I appreciate the honesty, Sister Michael. You are the weakest link, goodbye!” Anne tells the nun.

Sister Michael steps down from her podium and trudges away to address the camera: “They may think they’ve seen the last of me but little do they know that my influence spreads far and wide. Anyway, where do I go to meet the cast of Casualty?”

ROUND SEVEN 

The seventh round comes and goes, and Orla is the strongest link, with Erin as the weakest link yet again. However, Clare receives two votes, Orla one and James one.

“Erin, why Orla?” Anne asks.

“She thought J D Salinger was English! I will not have the author of my favourite book insulted on television!” Erin snaps.

“Orla, do you read much?” Anne asks.

“Aye, sure, my favourite book is called Erin’s Diary?” Orla answers.

“I’ve not heard of that one,” Anne says with a knowing look.

“Aye, it’s quite obscure. You wouldn’t find it in Waterstones but it’s a cracker read. Do you want me to recite my favourite passages?” Orla offers.

“Oh certainly, I’m intrigued,” Anne answers, trying to ignore Erin, whose face has gone white with horror.

“I had such a good time with James. I just don’t have to worry about impressing him, I just relax and be myself. Because we’re friends, I suppose. I also thought he looked really well in his tux...and his wee scarf. He’s sort of handsome, I suppose...in his own way,” Orla recites while Erin’s face goes even whiter.

“Orla…” Erin snarls.

“Sounds like a fascinating book,” Anne says.

“Aye, it’s cracker!” Orla says happily.

“Orla!” Erin shrieks.

“Erin, you may be surprised to hear that you were actually the worst player rather than Orla,” Anne informs Erin.

“I find that hard to believe, Anne,” Erin says indignantly.

“The statistics never lie, Erin, but luckily for you it’s the votes that count and Clare has received the most votes. Clare, you are the weakest link, goodbye!” 

Sulking, Clare indignantly walks away from her podium to give her take on her, in her view, unjust elimination. “It’s an outrage! I was an asset to the team and always banked the money! Well, while I’m here I may see if I can find the Comic Relief people and see if they can use the services of an enthusiastic young activist with a passion for social justice!”

ROUND EIGHT 

In the eighth round, James is the weakest link and receives a vote each from Erin and Orla, while he casts his own vote for Erin, who has triumphed as the strongest link.

“James, why have you voted for Erin?” Ann asks.

“Because she referred to my favourite programme as ‘Who’s the Doctor?’ That’s unacceptable!” James whines.

“You’re a Doctor Who fan?” Ann asks.

“Yes, Anne,” James replies confidently.

“I thought as much. I bet you go to creep conventions too?”

“Doctor Who convention!” James protests. Erin giggles in the meantime.

“What’s so funny, Erin?” Anne asks.

“Creep conventions are what we call them as well, Anne”, Erin laughs.

“Well, James, you now have the time to go to one! You are the weakest link, goodbye!”

The last contestant to be eliminated, James solemnly stands down from his podium to give his perspective. “I still can’t believe Erin got such a basic fact wrong! I just hope she doesn’t win! I’m intrigued about the contents of her diary though…”

ROUND NINE 

Orla and Erin play the ninth round against each other and the final prize money is set at £6,000.00. As the strongest link, Orla gets to choose who goes first in the head to head, and naturally she chooses herself.

HEAD TO HEAD 

In the head to head, Orla answers her first two questions correctly. Erin answers one question correctly but her lack of knowledge about English counties lets her down on her second question.

“Orla, if you answer this question correctly, you have won,” Anne says.

“Bank!” yells Orla.

“How many times Orla, it’s the head to head now!” Erin hisses.

“Excuse me, Erin, I am the host here!” Anne tells Erin sharply.

Erin sulks as Anne reads Orla the question. “Orla, what is the name of an English statesman born in Huntingdon in 1599-”

“Oliver Cromwell!” Orla shouts happily.

“Correct! Orla, you are today’s strongest link and you go away with six thousand pounds. Erin, you leave with nothing,” Anne says. “Join us again for The Weakest Link, goodbye!”

As the credits roll, Erin gives her take on the show. “Orla won because the question about Oliver Cromwell and I lost because mine was about some English county I’ve never heard of! They should have adapted the questions for Irish contestants! Feckin’ BBC!”

Orla, however, is much more upbeat: “I applied because I really enjoyed saying ‘bank!’ before every question and now I’ve got money to put in the bank which is so cracker!”

EPILOGUE

A few weeks after the family return to Derry, a letter comes through the post for Erin. She opens it and reads it aloud to her family: “Dear Miss Quinn, we recently saw your family’s appearance on The Weakest Link and we noticed that you are an aspiring writer. We would be interested in making a comedy drama series about your city of Londonderry (or Derry, if you prefer). If you would be interested, please give us a call on the number at the top of this letter.” She pauses. “It’s my big break!” she yells happily, “I may not have six thousand pounds but this could be the start of my career!”

**Author's Note:**

> Strangest fic idea I've ever had...but hope you enjoyed anyway!


End file.
